The Heart Of Life

My best friend gave me some advice the other day when I asked him a question. I told him how lately I have been feeling really low, homework piling up, family issues rising up, and not having enough time to even think. I told him I needed a breather, a stress free vacation. How I felt like no matter how hard I try, no matter how many people I try to befriend, no matter how many times I get up every morning and tell myself I can do anything I want, I feel like I can’t. 

And you wanna know what he told me.

He told me that I was none of those things. He told I was confident, genuine, and caring. That I was one of the nicest people he knows, and how I go a mile for everyone and anyone without asking for anything in return. And after I let his comments sink I realized that he was right. 

Lately I have been dealing with a lot. I have SAT tutoring, Pre-Calc tutoring, yoga, work out, yearbook editing, my trip to New York, applying for colleges, getting my GPA up, and still managing my social life. My mom is finally getting her books published, my dad’s company is doing a little bit better, and I get to see my whole family in June. I just don’t want to grow up, and I spent a good deal of my childhood contemplating how great it would be to be all grown up, even though I wish I could take it all back. 

Today I was sitting in Spanish class thinking about the summer going into sophomore year, my favorite summer of all time. I was specifically thinking about how I spent 10 days up in Chicago with Aunt Courtney, Uncle Sean, and my cousins Riley and Hayden. One particular memory that came to my mind was when my cousin Hayden and I went to the park. Riley had cheerleading practice, so I took Hayden to the ice cream truck until her practice was over. I remember that garden in the park, that beautiful, lush and florid garden. The shape was an circle, with pergalos all around the circle. Olive colored vines wrapped around the pergalo, clinging like snakes. Roses covered the vines, and under the pergalos were swing benches that you could sit on. As you sat on the bench, you had a landscape view of the beautiful garden. I could of sat there all day, the sun shining with low humidity and not a cloud in the sky. Hayden and I sat on the bench and ate our ice cream. Then I chased her around the maze next to the garden and then Hayden fell and scraped her knee. But today as I sat in class, I closed my eyes and I could picture the luscious garden, I was sitting on the bench with Hayden, eating my popsicle, with the breeze brushing through my hair. And as I closed my eyes the only thought that popped into my head was happiness. I was happy, even if it were only for a milisecond of time, that memory made me smile. And I am so incredibly grateful for that.

So this is my update, updating my status. I have come to the difficult decision to take a hiatus from writing. I will be busy for the next couple of weeks and feel bad that I do not write on here as often as I should. I feel like this will be good for me, and I hope that for you too. 

You get to the mountain top one step at a time. You can take a break, but you must keep moving forward. 

-M

I’m sitting here, it’s a saturday night, thinking.

My life has been very complex and eventful lately. I am appreciative/regretful of many of the things that have happened. 

The first half of junior year is almost over, even though it just started. I cannot believe I just filled out my schedule for senior year yesterday, I cannot believe next year I will be a senior in high school, it’s absolutely unbelieveable. Many friendships have been on the rocks lately and no matter how many ways I try to get help and fix my problems, I always end up with the wrong answer that doesn’t solve my problems. I am to my breaking point, and I do not know what to do when I finally reach it. And though my 17th birthday was this past week, I cannot believe how much I am growing up, and how quickly it is happening. 

Last friday night was senior night for my high school’s basketball team. Though he isn’t a senior, one of my good friends Fisher is on the team, and whenever I can, I always try and go to support him at games, I have ever since I met him freshmen year. After the game my friend Austin and I waited for him to come out, and we all went to Beef’s to get something to eat. After 2 hours of talking, eating, and laughing, Austin and I finally left because we had to get home. I pulled out of the restaurant in my car, and I began to think: how did I get so lucky. I am so blessed to have friends like Fisher and Austin. Friends who will always tell me the truth, no matter what. Friends who will always keep me laughing and smiling, especially when I need it the most. Friends who will never put me in dangerous situations. As I was reminiscing on the night, I thought, we sat there on a friday night, eating and having fun. Not getting drunk, not smoking weed, just being tamed crazy kids. I have such a great time whenever I am with them, they make me so happy. And I am so grateful for my friendships, and how I can always count on them. 

So what that night taught me is this: I am so grateful for my REAL friends. There are people that I shouldn’t be friends with, and no matter how hard it is, I need to separate myself from them. The stupid memories like this mean the absolute world to me, I cannot thank them enough. Fisher made me a promise at the beginning of the year, that junior year would be better than sophomore year, and I didn’t believe him.

But gosh darn it, he was right. 

The sun never stops shining, sometimes you just have to look beyond the clouds to see it.

-M

I know what that little voice in your head is saying right now as you read this post, “Megan hasn’t be on in ___” Yup fill in the blank, I get it. It’s been a while.

I am going through a process in which I call remission. You know like when someone goes through a big, tramatic, event and they just need a little time to breathe. I have gotten into a car accident, been stressed out of my mind, had trouble with friends, the whole nine yards.

But I like the whole seperation. It’s calming, it’s relaxing. I feel like I have made better friends than the ones I maybe was so attached to at the beginnning of the year. I feel like a whole new group of people have become so much closer to me, and I just don’t know what other to say except that I am very thankful. Very, very thankful. Meeting new people has totally changed my attitude on life, I feel like I am surrounding myself with better, genuinely kind hearted people. It’s nice to get some compassion in return. And I may still have problems in my life, but heck who doesn’t? Tennis season is about to start, my birthday is in about a month, christmas is soon, my family is coming down in March, and I have enough money to make it up to Chicago this summer because I raised my own funds for it. I cannot just put all my problems on top of the good things and say that I am not blessed.

So if this means having to start over, I will. If this means I need to move lunch tables, I will. If this is what it takes to be happy again, I will.

“Where there is love there is life.” 

-M

I have absolutely nothing to say. I don’t even know what to talk about in this post. It’s sad to say that I have lost the memory of what it feels like when my fingers touch the minute buttons on the keyboard.

I guess that I want to say is first off, I am thankful for my friends. And when I say the word “Friends” I don’t mean those people you hang out with maybe once a year, or the people that you just casually wave to in the hallway with a smile, I’m talking about real, true friends. The people you are with every weekend, the people you text just to see how their day was because they weren’t at school, the people who make you laugh until you want to cry. Those are the people I am talking about. And I guess lately I have gone through more drastic changes with friends than ever, and I am thankful for my friends now more than ever. Yes, we fight and don’t always do or say the right things, but when we say sorry, we mean it. And I am sick of the fighting, I am sick of the drama, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. After homecoming last night, we went to a small after party at my friends house down the street, and just sitting outside, talking about anything, laughing about memories and funny stories: you can’t put a price tag on that, you can’t just find people like that, they just come to you, naturally. But when I think about it my friends are who I really am, they define me, they make me a better person, they help me when I fall down, because even the best do sometimes. Just the fact that these words are coming out so naturally makes me feel better about everything going on.

So cheers to my friends. Thank you for making through the hard and the good times, you are irreplaceable. The thought of senior year slowly approaching  absolutely scares me.

-M